Have you ever had a day where you get depressed because you feel like you don't fit in anywhere, with anyone? I'm totally having one of those days, which I actually do with increasing frequency at work.
I'm not cool. I've never been cool and never will be. If I ever have kids, they will no doubt be doomed to the same life of uncoolness that I lived while I was in school (I always thought that coolness was inherited back then). But sometimes, especially at this job (and in this city, for that matter), I just feel like a big ugly black sheep (wouldn't mind getting a hold of some of that roving!). There is definitely an "in" crowd here and I know I'm not part of it and that I never will be, no matter how long I work here.
Its not that I don't reach out to coworkers, I do. Its just that it doesn't stick. I think people think I'm weird or maybe I'm one of those people who are hard to read. I am shy and I dislike small talk, and those two things don't help. Sometimes its just hard to know that I'll never be one of those people that everybody likes.
My class in horticulture school was really small and over the course of the two years, we spent a lot of time together. This one guy who was always goofing around and teasing (in a good, nice, friendly way, not in a mean schoolyard way!) was just never like that with me, even though he was with all the other girls. One day, totally unprompted, he said to me, "I just have too much respect for you to act like that toward you" which I thought was strange. Do I hold my head too high?
I'm not trying to be self-pitying, although that may be what it sounds like. And in fact, I feel better already than I did when I sat down to write this. Sometimes just getting it off your chest, even if no one is listening (or especially if no one is listening!) is all you need to readjust.
But that brings me to the loner part, which I have been thinking about writing about anyway.
I am a lone knitter. I don't have any friends who knit or are interested in yarn or fibers or spinning or anything, except maybe my mom. I don't go to any knitting circles. I visited this place once. It was pouring rain, and I thought it would be nice to go sit and knit somewhere warm and friendly. But it was about the unfriendliest, cliquey-ist place I've been since high school (and I had this job at that time too!). I left in tears and walked through the West Village in the rain crying, so unwelcome did I feel.
But I digress.
The lone knitter thing - well, I taught myself to knit out of a book. I prefer to learn things myself, alone.
It just seems odd, you know, given the tremendous knitting community online, that I still knit alone. It seems like every girl out there with a knitting blog has oodles of friends that they knit with and go yarn shopping with.
I don't necessarily want to be like that, its just that it makes me feel like...a loner. Which I've always been, and I'm happy that way, and even if I had knitting friends I'd probably still be mostly a loner because I'm happiest at home with the man and my rabbit.
So apparently, I'm a loser, too.
Ever hear Bob Dylan's version of the song, Creep, by Radiohead? Its so amazing and he sounds so much more like a creep than the singer of the original. In fact, I don't even know for sure if it IS Dylan, because the man just downloaded it years ago. It sounds like Dylan but it could be an imitation - anyway, perfect music for today.
Although - I'm already feeling sooooooo much better!